Haven't really typed anything for a long time so I might as well spill out all my troubles

I don't know how but so far I can only see Jagjit and Ain coming to my blog like last year..

Since so little people ever visits my blog I might as well typed down whatever thoughts that is in my head right now as I type. Not because I am bored but because I have something I need to let it out.

Why do I need to let it out?

That's because emotions are like gas in bottles. At normal times it doesn't feel as though anything is there but as I ignore it, the bottle just feels somewhat heavier and if I leave it long enough IT IS BOUND TO EXPLODE. I've felt that effect before, bottling up all my emotions until I couldn't handle it. I ended up hurting other people for no good reason and before I knew it, I also hurt myself.

So what kind of emotion am I going to let out today? Regrets..

So there was this girl I used to like in primary school. It was so long ago and I thought I have let it go already but it didn't just disappear like that. Back in Secondary school while I was still in Hong Kah she was in a school near mine. I still remember every time I'd purposely go home early hoping she'd take the same bus as me just just so that I can see her face. I remember praying hard that I'd be able to talk to her and still try to grow the relationship. It was very difficult because we live in a different world.

Back then my entire world is all about Games and Comics. Now even though I have stepped even further than just Games and Comics I still see her name in my head. I don't even know what her world consist of.

Lately I've been thinking about her and whenever I brushed that thought aside it just keeps coming back. I still love her, I still want us to be together but I also know at the same time it is impossible. I've blurted out way too many stupid and mushy things to her that even if I were to be in her shoe, I'd think I am a weirdo. So what do you do to weirdos? You avoid them. Simple as that and that is exactly what she tried to do. I still didn't know why she still accepted my friend request on Facebook when I've added her the third time. And yet again I blurted stupid stuff..

I still remember what I said: "I love you, I want to see you but it hurts me every time I think about the possibility of us getting along together. It hurts me to see something that I want but not get it. I wish I can be with you, I wish I can see you but I hope we don't see each other again" and there I unfriend her.

Here I am wishing I'd never say that because I want to see her face again but I'd sound like a sick man. Abnormal.

It sounds as though I want to see her Facebook like some stalker, knowing all about her private life even though I was supposed to leave it alone. I know it's unhealthy and believe me, I even went as far as to try and create a fake account just so that I can add her again under a disguise.

People asked me why I liked her so much, there were many fishes in the sea..

I'd say: "I don't know"

Why? Must there be a reason why you love somebody? Does a father love a child because he's cute? He's brilliant? No, he loves his child no matter what kind of person he may be.

I really wish that me and her can be together, I can only wish we can be together. It's just next to impossible.

Right now I am trying to break away from all those thoughts, it's a very difficult process and really I wish I can see the solution.

If I had a prayer to make, I'd ask God to forgive me for trying to substitute my love for her with something even more unhealthy just so that I can somehow be satiated. I'd ask God to help me forget about this girl even though she was one of the factor of how I wanted to be a Christian in the first place. I'd also ask God if she was really the one for me, He'd ignore my previous prayer and instruct me on how I can atone for all the mess I've made